The ‘you that is you’

The ‘you that is you’

I’ve written about a few times before about the concept of ‘parts of self’ and more broadly an appreciation that we have multiple ‘parts’ of us which might help us better understand what might appear to be contradictory feelings, beliefs or reactions to people / events around us. If you missed that blog, go back and read it HERE – it’s a good summary that might be useful to read before getting too far into this one.  I’ve also shared a bit about learning to understand that if we’re exploring our parts using an Internal Family Systems (IFS) lens then we’re really exploring ways to unburden some of our parts from either their wounds (trauma) or from performing protective functions that developed at some point in our life in order to shield us from that pain.  As we do that, we’re striving to un-blend parts, integrate our awareness of parts and their functions, and ultimately to have our embodied, adult, in-the-present Self-with-a-capital-S running the show that is our lives as much as possible.  I shared a few months back (HERE) about ways that we can know / explore our ‘Self’ through the same IFS lens.

However, it’s really not uncommon for people to really struggle with this concept of ‘Self’ or at least find it a real challenge to be able to recognise when they’re in ‘Self’ or functioning from ‘Self’.  It is particularly hard when people have not had their needs met as a very young child.  I often refer to humans (all humans, but most especially little humans) having three core emotional / psychological needs:

1. To be seen
2. To be heard
3. To be known (and celebrated)

These are at the core of what healthy (secure) attachment looks and feels like.  And let’s be honest here, it is actually pretty easy to not have those needs met on a consistent basis by our primary caregivers.  And it can come in a variety of different ways (most of which are never meant intentionally or intended to cause emotional pain) – for example having a mother who suffers with postnatal depression / anxiety, or having a parent who is substance dependent, or very stressed / anxious, or juggling the demands of paid work and parenting.  Our needs can get missed and when that happens when we are very young, we have no alternative but to assume / believe that we were the cause (tiny humans have to be narcissists in order to survive – plus that’s just the way we are neurodevelopmentally wired until we’re at least two years old).  This is what Gabor Maté refers to when he discusses the challenge of authenticity vs attachment. In that moment, a young infant cannot possibly imagine or believe that our parent is the ‘problem’ or the cause of the disconnection / unavailability of need(s) being met and therefore we put ourselves in the position of being the cause.  Better to be a bad kid, in a good home than a good kid in a bad home.  And this is the beginning of what for many people call ‘people pleasing’ behaviours – the compromising, adjusting and ameliorating of our needs in order to fit in with what is available for us – which sometimes is really very little.

And in turn, that means we can struggle to develop a clear sense of ‘Self’.  Or at least, it can make it really hard to identify those key traits, characteristics, behaviours or values when we’re exploring it in therapy as we have been doing what I call ‘the chameleon thing’ for as long, or longer, than we can remember.  So, I’ve been exploring a different approach with people these last few weeks to help create a sense of connection to ‘Self’.  I’ve been bringing it back to something more foundational, and I think more (appropriately) child-like.  Try asking yourself these questions and see what you learn about yourself:

• Who are you when you are the ‘you that is you’?
• Who are you with when you are the ‘you that is you’?
• Where are you when you are the ‘you that is you’?
• What are you doing when you are the ‘you that is you’?

You are in there.  It’s just about getting a bit creative sometimes in order to connect to you, because for a whole bunch of really important (often lifesaving) reasons you had to develop a whole bunch of other you-parts in order to get some of your needs met. And they did a great job, because you’re still here trying to figure it all out today…but if we can reconnect you to the ‘you that is you’ things will start to make a bit more sense, feel a little easier in your nervous system / body and who knows, you might find connecting with others (relationships) a whole lot less hard and confusing.

If you’d like to explore the ‘you that is you’ and would like a safe space to talk about how they may impact your mental health, please get in touch with us: www.theabaker.com.au / hello@theabaker.com.au / 03 9077 8194.