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Asking good questions

Asking good questions

I grew up regularly being told that I was asking too many questions, that I was too ‘nosey’ and that ‘curiosity killed the cat’. I mean that is one confusing phrase to unpack as a little human – it seemed quite unsettling to think that just by asking questions animals could die! And it just made me think that asking questions was a really awful thing to do. So I grew up thinking that I was ‘bad’ for asking all the questions that my inquisitive little mind really needed answers to.  Like the time I wondered how much my Dad earned.  I was about eight or nine years old, and I was told in no uncertain terms that it was incredibly rude to ask him that.  I think I was just trying to make sense of what ‘work’ was and how being paid for it happened and why. I was a curious child. I never did find out the answer, but when I reflect on that conversation, I am aware of what a missed opportunity that interaction was.

Fast-forward nearly 40 years and I ask questions for a living – both as a psychotherapist and as a researcher.  Having a curious mind has played a really significant part in my varied career and curiosity is one of my core values – it really shapes who I am, what I do, why I do it, and how I show up in the world. Whilst I might be biased (because I’m a big fan of curiosity), I happen to think that asking questions is one of the most important skills any of us can develop.  Let me tell you a bit about why:

  • When we are curious about our own experiences it allows us to hold the event(s) separate from our feelings and thoughts about them, which in turns allows us to reflect on, and re-consider any unhelpful meanings we might have ascribed to them.
  • Curiosity has a direct relationship with our ability to self-reflect, which is something that helps us grow, develop new skills, and explore new opportunities.
  • Being curious (and self-reflective) allows us to build confidence about our ability to navigate challenges because we start to notice (curious, non-judgemental observation of our inner world) how we respond in certain situations, change our behaviour to explore new ways of being and doing.
  • When we are curious within our relationships we are actively creating and forging connection. When we ask questions of people, we are choosing to open up a conversation – it says that we are interested in them which conveys care.  In turn, this provides opportunities for greater understanding, insight, and connection.

Take that question I asked my dad many years ago.  If he had responded to me that I’d asked an interesting question (validation) and had then asked me how knowing his salary would help me understand the world better, we could have had a really fascinating and connecting conversation.  When I sit with clients and we are exploring some of aspect of their life, asking well-considered questions, shrouded in compassion and a genuine interest in them as a human, is not only important to the ‘job’ (I really don’t see it as a job!) that I’m doing in that moment, but is also critical in creating and strengthening a therapeutic relationship.  Curiosity enables me to better understand my clients and their inner world, it allows them to tell their stories more fully, and is creates connection and safety. When I can do that, then I can support them to do the same.

I was reflecting recently on another pivotal time in my life where asking the wrong question resulted in some quite negative outcomes.  I’ll try to make this one as non-medical-trauma-triggering as possible but heads up if you’ve got some poor gynaecological experiences.  Short version of this story is that when my children were both quite little (maybe four and two) I had an abnormal pap (cervical) smear result.  This was back when I lived in the UK and the NHS guidelines at the time meant that I was advised to wait for six months before having another pap smear to see if my cells had sorted themselves out or gotten worse.  I eventually had to have a colposcopy (where a biopsy is taken of the dodgy cells – not so fun) which confirmed that my cells were definitely not fixing themselves and were getting more abnormal.  This meant I had to have another procedure under a general anaesthetic called a LLETZ procedure (this time they burn the bits of your cervix that have the bad cells and then when it scabs and heals over happy new not cancerous cells grow in their place).  Also, not so fun, but way better than cancer.

The thing is, at every gynaecological appointment after that procedure, I was always asked, “And how is sex?”  What they should have asked me was, “Have you had penetrative sex since the procedure?”  Because you see I hadn’t had sex with my partner at the time for months (years) and I was too full of shame to go into that with these male gynaecologists who just assumed I was sexually active within my relationship.  So, every time I was asked, I just said “Fine.” Skipping some bits of the story I get divorced, and I re-partner.  And then I am having sex again.  And then things get funky because I started to bleed (a lot) after / during sex.  Often and then always.  Sometimes it was painful, sometimes not.  First investigative surgery found a bit of endometriosis but not enough to make my symptoms make sense.  We monitor it for a while, I keep bleeding and then I start to wonder and ask myself some questions, “What if that LLETZ procedure never healed properly, and because I hadn’t put my poor cervix to the test (through penetrative sex) since then until the start of this new relationship…what if that was the problem?”  So back to the gynaecologist where I have to vulnerably explain what I think might have been going on, and another surgery to re-do the LLETZ procedure.  Two surgeries, lots of pain and bleeding and awkward sex conversations all because of not being asked the ‘right’ question.

I think questions are really great.  Good, thoughtful, considered questions are, I think, some of the most powerful things we can do as a human.  Asking good questions creates trust, safety and connection.  This is true outside of the therapy (or medical!) spaces too – any relationship grows where curiosity is present. It turns out curiosity doesn’t kill cats (or any other animals for that matter).  Curiosity is like an exciting doorway into another person’s world – what could possibly be bad about that?

 

If you’d like to curiously explore your relationship with your inner-world and would like a safe space to talk about how they may impact your mental health, please get in touch with us: www.theabaker.com.au / hello@theabaker.com.au / 03 9077 8194.